This is Important

Mental health.

A lot of people think that I am the happiest and most care-free person around! I do come across that way because I do genuinely feel great much of the time. But what many do not realize is that I battle with depression. The mental health stigma must be completely depleted. The only way to do this is to be open and honest with ourselves and our peers about the way we are feeling.

Especially during winter through the short, cold, dark days, I become depressed.

[I must give a shout out to teaching at Pure Barre for assisting in my battles with depression – I have drastically become much better since beginning my journey there.]

But, even so, there are days that feel lonely. Even though I *know* I have lots of friends and family that care for me and adore me. Adulthood can be extremely isolating. There is so much to take care of (by yourself) as an adult and it can become overwhelming at times. Has anyone ever taken a class that has prepped you for post-college/twenty-something/adult life? ‘Cause I have never had one offered to me and I think this should be a thing, lol. But seriously.

There are days that have made me feel like I want to just cry. Or scream. Or both. Moving forward in this life as we get older is super frustrating at times. Do you ever feel like you have FINALLY taken a big step forward then suddenly you fall eight steps behind? It’s a defeating feeling. It’s a depressing feeling.

Sometimes, there is absolutely no reason I feel so so sad. Which makes it even sadder. I fall into a hole and it seems like there is no light when I look up. It’s crushing.

The stigma of mental health must end because I feel like most people deal with some sort of mental issue. Even if it’s a little anxiety – which isn’t a “little’ problem.

I have to say, I have come a long way. I have had depression for years now that comes and goes. The longer I have dealt with it, the better I am at dealing with it. When the feeling – that feeling deep inside starts to come, I recognize it. Something like, “Oh heyy depression, it’s you again. I will deal with you and you will not be that bad this time and you will go away soon.” And when I force myself to workout, eat healthy & take myself to the ocean – it does go away much faster. Just like when you have a cold, the more tea & honey, rest, green smoothies you have, the faster your body will heal.

Recognize. Say hello. Take action in your own way. Say goodbye.

You CAN deal with depression. You CAN defeat it. You are NOT alone. Figure out what your tools are (again for me-barre, healthy eats, ocean) and have them on the back burner so that as soon as Mister D (that’s a fun name for depression) comes along, you can whip ’em out and say Sayanara SUCKER much faster!

There are people that battle with demons on the daily and it is not as easy for them to just go to barre and feel better. Depression can be sincerely debilitating. PLEASE. Talk to your people. Listen. And then maybe when you’re thinking of an old friend from high school, shoot him/her a message! We have technology at our fingertips. Yeah, it can be super random, but you don’t know what that person is going through. [I don’t remember which book (BIG MAGIC?), but Elizabeth Gilbert once wrote about when we have ideas, they mean something. And to do something about (sometimes seemingly silly) ideas. Ideas are floating around the universe and when they come to you, you can grab on or you can let that idea disappear] I guarantee if you randomly have a thought about someone, that person will be happy to hear from you.

Love and support. We are all in this thing together. Most of all, you truly are not alone. I know the feeling of lonely and it is one of the hardest feelings to get through. But I have gotten through those feelings and YOU CAN, too. You will. And I will continue to fight Mr. D throughout my life, that a-hole.

Spread the word. You’re not alone. I love you!

RIP Grady Moyer ❤

 

10 Years Later

The changes that I have gone through over the past decade are countless. I was a very different person back then. And here I am today!

This post is not about a physical transformation. It is about the transformation that I went through emotionally and spiritually. The change in my appearance follows.

I remember the night of the left picture. It was in college and I went to a Holiday party. I felt pretty cute and was excited to talk to boys. I didn’t talk to them, though. I just looked at them longingly (creeeeep) haha and knew deep down why they didn’t approach me. (PS many people have commented that this was “baby weight” but in fact before this picture, I had gained about 20-30 lbs after losing 20-30 lbs. Up and down went the scale like it was my goddamn job!)

I have always had this “confidence” about me. But much of the time I was faking it. That’s okay though, because it is the first step into becoming a c t u a l l y confident (fake it til ya make it)! Before going out that night, I styled myself to create a false sense of confidence. I specifically wore my hair down to help hide my chubby cheeks (yeah that helped LOL) and also wore the jacket to hide my love handles that could potentially show depending on how I was standing. I also drank a college amount of vodka.

It was a fun night but those were the nights where I knew deep down that I wasn’t the person I am meant to be. I was living outside of myself. I have come SO FAR from the girl in college and I couldn’t be any more proud of who I have become.

Ten years later – here I am teaching barre classes to a room full of 20 or so people at a time. These people show up to work out and look to me for guidance. They look to me to give them a way to feel successful. And they look to me for an extra push and motivation, to be their best selves. I would never have been able to do that back in the day. All of this inspiration I pass out to others has naturally seeped back into me. Oh looky there, I am inspiring myself on the daily!

The confidence I have gained does have a lot to do with being a Pure Barre Instructor. But it also stems simply from living. Everyday, every week, every month, every year: there are lessons. In all of it. Through life and death, I have experienced so many feels, as you have as well. Especially the past couple of years – these have been the biggest and most transitional years of my life.

Ten years ago, I would’ve never been let go from a job because I would be too scared to stand up for myself. Recently, I did just that. I am not scared anymore and I know that what I feel, think and do are who I am and I am proud of who I am. I am not changing for anyone but for myself. I have intense gut feelings that are impossible to ignore. Losing my job was not ideal, but usually when change occurs – discomfort is a part of the equation. I have learned that discomfort is a feeling that launches you into another direction. I have sort of come crashing down in 2018 and now am slowly building myself up. In 2019.

This year is the last TEEN year of the 2000’s and it is the year that holds my last twenty-something birthday. I turn 29 this month and to even write that out seems wrong. I feel a lot younger than I am. I also didn’t realize I’d be where I am today AT ALL by 29. In New Hampshire!? Teaching barre!? Taking barre!? Totally on my own!? Child-less (lol I have baby fever ut oh)!? Damn. Life is a wild ride. It is super crazy that each day that we live, sometimes seemingly inconsequential, adds up to a month and then a year and then you look back and…it’s ten years later.

That is why it is so important to LIVE IN THE NOW. Cliche but oh so true. Today is a day that can change your life. And it will, even just a teeny tiny bit. Because every single day that we live in this life, we are aging and we are experiencing and we are thinking. HOW will you define YOUR life? By choosing to live within each day as best as you possibly can, whatever that means to you.

Feel grateful – this is life-changing. Gratitude will bring you happiness. Period.

I hope that 2019 is going to be full of explosive changes in my life. I want to do big things and make a HUGE impact on myself, the people around me, and the world.

Cheers to being the best version of yourself in the year 2019 and beyond.

❤

FeeltheFeels

I was just posting on Instagram because I had thoughts that come over me that I felt the need to share. I decided WTF why am I not blogging?! UGH I do this. So here I am again, one year+ later since my last post. Strange…because my last post is exactly what I was going to write about. ❤

This year has been my most transitional & pivotal year yet! This was actually my goal coming into the year 2018. To create changes and make progress for myself! Lol, be careful what you wish for! JK, don’t be careful. Because when you put it out there, you really want it. And if you really want it, you’ll get it. And when you get it, it might be a very strange & challenging time. But THIS IS OKAY. It’s more than okay, okay? lol.

A lot of “outside” things in my life have changed this year. I am now job searching aka figuring out WHAT THE F to do with my life. Yeah, no big deal. I know where my passions lie: dancing, creating, inspiring, art, painting, writing, expressing, etc. etc. How do I possibly make a living through doing all of this? Realistically, its nearly impossible. But right now, I have more time to dabble with it, which is actually just allowing me to connect deeper to what I really need/want to do with my life. I’m grateful to have this time to dedicate to myself. Girl loves her alone time 🙂

I am so very lucky to have Pure Barre – being an instructor at this haven is seriously the best in so many ways. To be able to be on the mic and make even just a tiny impact for each client during each class is so cool! It’s an honor that these people show up to workout and listen to me. lol. No matter what I am feeling that day, I need to show up for my people. I need to motivate THEM. I have had days where I didn’t know if I could do it, but I knew they needed me. So I pushed myself to give them an amazing class because thats what they all deserve always. After the class, I felt a little freedom. Sometimes, letting go and focusing on your body and your breath can be healing. For me, motivating others is motivating myself. I gotta walk the walk if I talk the talk, amirite!?

SO through this very transitional year, to have Pure Barre, has been my absolute savior. 100%. I cannot even imagine not having this place. I’m always held accountable with my own health. I’ve made more connections than I ever thought possible. I’m stronger than ever. I am beyond grateful!!!

SO back to why I actually went to write this post. It’s about feelings.

(Just think of this as a journal and ya gotta just come along for the ride that is ~ ~ my brain ~ ~)

It’s interesting to look back at my relationships. To look back at all of the people I have had in my life. I know, now, that all of these experiences with these people were necessary. They all came into my life to teach me something. [This is where I question everything. Is this real life? Am I Jim Carrey in The Truman Show? Is everyone just laughing at me for being a DAMN FOOL?]

Life can be cruel but we are all going through it. Every single one of us. It sucks for everyone. But on the flip side, it can be so magical for everyone, too! I think this is what is missing – a little more magic.

In order to have more magic in this world, we need more love. I feel this love deep inside of myself. I have felt it ever since I allowed the fEELiNGS to flood in! It was a few years ago, it happened. Something inside of me shifted.

It was surrendering.

It was allowing.

It was me stopping the fight against myself.

I met someone that assisted (unknowingly) in opening up the portal for me. Since then, it’s opened up even more. It has been an insane ride!

Do you know what I am talking about? Here’s the thing. I may be late to the game. Because I had the actual hardest time dealing with feelings growing up, I completely repressed any that I could ever have. Up until the age 23 or so. And from then until now, I am continuously expanding and learning and growing. I never knew this is what life would be like as an adult. Nothing can prepare you for adulthood but also no one warned me about this! Haha….. but srsly…

The biggest loss I have had was my baby girl Stella. She was my 4 year old kitty and left us too soon because of kidney cancer. She went downhill fast and luckily didn’t have too much time suffering. My babe has been with me always, though! (You can read my last post – I just posted that days after she passed away. Sometimes my past-self impresses me)

I had never had a pet of my own up until Stella. She was my #1. She was my bestie and my freaking joy. I was obsessed and everyone knew it. She even had her own insta! I’m grateful to be a crazy person and have all of these pictures and memories with my angel babe.

When I lost her, everything went blank. It was the hardest pain to feel. I still feel it to this day. But now, what I do is channel that pain into the love that we had for each other. No the love that we have and always will have for each other. Every time I feel this love, I know she is with me. It’s painful not to have her, but so beautiful to feel our love. This intense love is a physical feeling for me, its similar to butterflies in the tummy but a little bit deeper than that. It goes from my stomach to my heart and it’s a radiating feeling. Sometimes I feel it when I am driving and see birds. Sometimes it’s when I am crying. It happens randomly at times. It’s nice to know that feeling will be there always and can channel it when I really need it.

I am seriously wondering if anyone else has similar experiences? Please comment!

Anyways, through the biggest heartbreaks of my life – I have come out of them loving even stronger. It’s been a journey. Every time I think I’ve reached my peak, there is even more room to grow. There is even more love to feel.

In order to feel love, we must let go of fear. The fear of losing and hurting is a strong emotion. There will always be hesitation to jump into anything. As humans, it’s natural to protect ourselves from potential danger.

But why hold back from the feels? The hurting hurts so badly. But the love will feel even stronger. It will fulfill the heart and soul so beautifully. It’ll feel…magical!

The more open each individual on this planet is, the more portals will open. Those magical love portals! This is what the world is missing.

xoxo

Love & Death

I am very lucky. I have not had to deal with too much tragedy in my life that has directly affected me. Recently, I had my best little buddy pass away – my kitty Stella. All my pet lover people out there know how these fur babies are truly best friends. Stelly was the first pet of my own – she was my baby! She was always on my mind even when I wasn’t with her. Leaving work, friends houses, barre, bars, etc. etc. I would always leave saying, “Going home to my Stella!” And now when I come home, she is not here. Well at least not physically.

She is surrounding me and with me always, I feel her presence in the best way. It is super strange…I am very sad that I do not have her to pet. But I feel her like crazy within me. She fills me up with joy and there are times where she almost makes me feel so happy that I need to dance or hysterically laugh. It is hard to put to words exactly this feeling – but basically I just feel so much love that it tickles me. Is that weird? That’s fine if it’s weird because I so appreciate my Stella sticking with me and pushing me forward, actually making me smile. She makes me feel so much love that all I want to do now is hug everyone. And I do.

After losing Stella, this love that I had for her and that she had for me is still here. I want to spread this love. That is all I want to do! Death is apart of life and Stella’s life definitely ended early (she was only four). But she lived the life that she was supposed to and didn’t let the cancer take the joy out of her life. Once she was too sick, she let herself go. She didn’t suffer very much and that comforts me. She was comfortable and happy as she left her physical body. Lolly (my roomie) was the last to see her before she let herself go and let me know that she seemed really happy. That’s amazing.

Anyways, with loss – you learn a lot about yourself. I am learning that I am a very very loving and soft person. It is so crazy – maybe 5 years ago even I felt like I had a dark heart and couldn’t really love. I had a hard time hugging people. But now that I have my Godson (who is four – hey HUDDY) and little “niece” (Delaney Kay) and of course STELLA (my baby girl), my heart is so warm and full. I want to give love to every single person, animal, etc. that I come across. This world needs more love and it is so important to be kind and hug people and tell your friends and family how much you truly care about them. Life is too short and unexpected things happen.

I hope that you will make someone else’s day today. Small gestures of love and gratitude will change the world if we all take part and love one another. From the people that are in our lives on the daily basis, to a stranger that you will never see again – make an impact! This is always my goal – when someone leaves my presence I want them to leave smiling. I still remember strangers that I have come across in the past and only met them for minutes, but they made an impact on me. I want to be that person. Everyone should want to be that person.

KAY let’s get to spreading happiness and joy! Lots of people need it, even when you don’t think they do.

I love YOU! ❤

Caution: Gushy Post. Shout out to ALL OF MY PEOPLE!

Lately, I have been feeling extremely inspired by the people around me in my life. From my coworkers & brides at Madeleine’s Daughter Bridal, my fellow teachers & clients at Pure Barre Portsmouth and to my dear friends and family – I am surrounded by strong people constantly! BOY do these people just make me want to be better everyday, in every way. It is so stupid cheesy but it is so stinkin’ true.

Let’s talk Pure Barre, my newest love! I have only been coming to PBP for a couple of months and since have become a teacher and am honored to have this position. Every single person that I have gotten to know has her very own story. I say HER because the clients at barre are women (typically). Each person has her own struggle, whether big or small. But no matter what, these people show up to LIFT TONE BURN (#LTB), giving everything they have. It literally gives me chills thinking about them. Some of these women are moms, some are pregnant too! By the way, taking Pure Barre classes while pregnant is said to help with pregnancy in general and also the process of giving birth. The types of exercises we do help with the pelvic floor strength…nice. The other day I found out that one of our clients is a mom of a 2 month old and I was shocked. She not only looks amazing, but I applaud her for taking the time out to focus on her own wellbeing. It is super hard as a mom to take the time out and away from babies and kids, but it is imperative to be the best YOU in order to be the best MOM or SISTER or AUNT or whatever. The stronger you are, not only physically but mentally especially, the stronger those that are looking up to you will be. NOT that I am a mom, but I have dozens of people in my life that are. I applaud ALL OF YOU!!! And to those that aren’t moms, you have so much going on with work, school, pets, relationships, etc. – but you set the time to be badasses and commit to pushing yourselves. You make me so damn proud (tear).

And as for my fellow teachers, you inspire me! Taking your classes has given me the confidence to pass along all of the inspiration and energy to our clients. Teaching gives me life and I couldn’t have done it without the help of the amazing owner, Anne, or the other incredible teachers at our studio. I bow down to you all! Teaching is definitely NOT easy, it takes so much hard work and dedication and I appreciate each and every one of you. I cannot say enough positive things about all of the women of Pure Barre Portsmouth. I love ya’ll! If you are looking to become a part of a community of positive and awe-inspiring women, come see us. I’d love to have you.

Okay now let’s talk MD. Madeleine’s Daughter has changed my life in the greatest ways. While I am “working” I am helping brides (and bridesmaids and moms) find their perfect dresses. The person I was before stepping foot into MD is completely different than the woman that I am today. I came into this job feeling defeated by my previous job, sort of looking for some light. And by golly, did I find that light. This definitely happened over time & through some challenges, but now looking back I see the clear shift that occurred through the past 3+ years. On the daily, I watch women looking at themselves in the mirror. It is rare to find a woman that is 100% confident in her own skin. So I am constantly telling my brides, “YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! Just the way you are!” Everyone wants to tone up and lose weight for their big day, but it is so important to find your health, balance & happiness with yourself for LIFE, not just for the wedding day. These are the things I tell my brides, so overtime it has sunk into my own brain. I have found my very own confidence, no matter how much I weigh, no matter how many “flaws” I find – no one else is focusing on those silly things at all. It amazes me to see size 2 girls pick themselves apart. This goes to show that no matter how skinny you want to be, you have to be happy with yourself starting NOW. No one else is focusing on armpit fat, okay? Plus, it’s really just skin. You so pretty, just accept it.

Each bride has her very own story and I LOVE hearing about the engagements, looking at their rings and best of all how they meet their fiancés. It is so fun and I do live vicariously tehe. I had a bride who met her guy at a gas station. Another met her fiancé playing on a dodgeball team. Lots of brides nowadays meet their lovers online – ALL of the sites. Tinder, too. Yep. Lots through school and work and another big one is through mutual friends. I feel like I should keep stats, it is so interesting to hear – one of my very favorite parts of each appointment is asking about the bride’s story. SO FUN.

As for my boss(es) and coworkers, I love you all so much!

I love our family dynamic and I couldn’t picture it missing any one of us. The owner, Elizabeth and Store Manager, Juhree have been the best bosses a girl could ever hope for. Thank you for setting a prime example of leadership. To my fellow stylists, I appreciate our camaraderie and how much we push each other, whether it is at work or in real life. Some of the best advice I’ve gotten comes from these ladies and I would probably go insane without ya’ll. I would go insane. Well, I am still insane, but you know what I mean. Friendly competitions are always my favorite, too. Again, these are the women that push me to be better. I share my life with them and they share theirs with me, too. We not only see each other at work, but also choose to spend our time together sipping wine and enjoying each others company on our own time. I do happen to be moving in with our lovely front desk manager, LAUREN aka Lolly.

I met Lolly at my past shitty job, but now know I was meant to work there so I could meet her. She has changed my life and is my partner in crime. She, along with all of my friends, seem to know me way better than I know myself and sometimes it scares me. Thank you for keeping me in check. It’s appreciated.

And last but DEFINITELY not least, my friends and family. It is super hard to watch when my friends or family are going through a tough time. I feel for all of them, and I wish I could be by my Mom‘s side when she needs, but she is all the way in New York. I must say, my mother is unlike any other mother out there. I am very lucky to call her my best friend. Even though there is distance between us, mom, I am so happy that our relationship is super strong and I can always rely on you if I need to talk. Thank you for all that you do on the daily, and all that you have done for Hannah, Ant and I (and continue to do). You mean the world to us and cannot even put into words how amazing you are. You are a shining light and seriously make me laugh.

Thank you for giving my my humor, laughing with you is one of my favorite things EVER. And there are SO MANY times when I have to stop myself and be like, wow I just sounded like Mom. It is happening, I am turning into you. And that’s a really good thing. Love you more than you will ever know.

Same goes for all of my other family members in NY and everywhere else – I want to be there for you and just be with you physically but I hope that you do know, I am just one call away! Through all of the struggles that we have all been through – we are coming out stronger and better!

Josh was the best. We were so annoying to work with, thanks for dealing with us. These tats will always keep us together! Us 3 have to much fun together ❤ 

We have thick skin and can get through anything, I am proud to be a DeSarro. Dad – no matter WHAT I feel like doing with my life, I always have your support 100%. I so appreciate that and love you oh so much! Hannah – I CANNOT wait to see what you do in Florida and I COULD NOT BE prouder. Watching you grow and become the woman you are is so amazing and I love being your big sister. Cody is lucky to have you. And you are lucky to have him. I am here for you always, as you know. I wish we lived closer but I cannot wait to visit. Ant – I always tell people with pride that you are a NY State Trooper and you are doing big things, living the life with Sarah, your perfect match, and your new kitty and new house. New York Mills ain’t ready.

All of my cousins and their kids, etc. – my goodness! I can’t believe my little baby cousin Angela (who I remember holding way back when) now has a gorgeous daughter, Santina. And Missy – your family inspires me. You are stunning, as are your kids. Lamar is an amazing father. I am so proud of you for the life you have created for yourself – like, you seriously are such a strong person and inspire the hell out of me. To each and every one of my friends and fam – love you so much.

Aunt Mary – you are one of a kind. I want to tear up right now thinking about how much of a fighter you are. My Aunt Mary has been diagnosed with MS. A diagnosis that no one wants to hear. When life throws you curveballs, you swing super hard and crush those balls. Lol.

You motivate me to live a healthy lifestyle, pushing myself to do things I might not necessarily want to do. Why?? Because even though you were dealt a shitty card, you have decided to do everything in your power to not allow MS to define you. You work hard at your health, mentally and physically and it shows, even from hundreds of miles away. I believe that my creativity has stemmed from you, I love your writing and that you have your own community online with likeminded folks. I am proud to call you my aunt. Love you!

My friends that live nearby, who I consider my actual family, mean the absolute world to me, The Gallison’s. Jess, Jay, Hudson, Delaney & Tom Brady Cat – I would definitely not be here (in New Hampshire) without you.

Jess has been my bestie since 5th grade and moved me out to Portsmouth after I graduated college (almost FIVE years now?!). She pushes me to do what is best for ME and I honestly have no idea where the heck I would be without my Jacinta. You keep my head on straight (or at least try to), thanks pal. I would also like to point out the fact that Jess puts everyone before herself. No matter what issues she is dealing with, especially recent health problems, she powers through fiercely and is seriously a SUPERMOM. I have NO idea how you do it. Praise you!

I am SO HAPPY that I was there when you met Jay for the very first time, he is now one of my very best friends. Jay, you are seriously one of my favorite people in the entire world and I hope you know how incredible you are. God this is so cheesy, sorry! I mean it, though.

These two have made the most gorgeous kids, Hudson Chase and Delaney Kay. Huddy is my godson and is 4 years old. He is also one of my best friends.

We have so much fun running around together and playing. He keeps me young and I appreciate this kid so much. And he has just declared himself a vegetarian (HAHA, he kills me). Good for him. Smart dude! He is also starting a new school super soon – ya make me proud, kiddo. And to little DKG who is ALMOST A ONE YEAR OLD, you are a princess and your constant smiles give me so much joy in my heart. I can’t wait to take you shopping someday. Thank you, Gallison’s, for including me in your family. LOVE YOU!!!!!!! ❤

This post totally took a turn and I really didn’t mean to do that, but glad it did. Everyone should know how much they mean to me, even though this is all so mushy and gushy. Sorry not sorry!

Also – shoutout to Stella (my kitty) who has so graciously brought me another live mouse this morning. Thanks, girlfriend. Mama loves you.

I hope that you take the time to appreciate all of the people in your very own lives that have gotten you where you are today. If you are feeling sad, write a note to a loved one. It will make you happier. The people that mean the most to you should know how much they mean to you. This life is too short to focus on the shitty shit & negative people. The more love we spread, the better this world will be! Let’s make this earth a better place.

I’d like to end by saying that my thoughts and prayers are with everyone affected by Hurricane Harvey. My heart aches for you all. The rest of the country has your back and we will do everything we can to get you your lives back. If you are able to donate, please do so. Every dollar counts.

Thanks 🙂 🙂 🙂

 

My Experience Taking Part in a Boudoir Photoshoot and Why EVERY Woman Should Do It.

I never in my life imagined myself in minimal clothing posing in front of a photographer. Hearing or thinking about the word “boudoir” always made me think about brides posing for their grooms or simply scandalous people trying to be more scandalous. Now, I have a very different perspective when I think about these types of photos. I want to share my experience with the photoshoot and I do hope to shed some light on preconceived notions that may be out there.

Recently, I had a photoshoot with Kyle Burnell. We did a shoot for his boudoir division of photography: Flirt Boudoir. I am proudly one of his Spokesmodels! Here is a link to his Instagram …username @flirtboudoir .

Before the shoot, I met Kyle at his studio in South Berwick. We talked about everything I would be comfortable with and even talked outfit inspirations. He also made sure to ask what I would like the photos to accentuate. My answer? My shoulders, butt and back. It was nice for me to feel like I had some creative input in choosing what vibe I was going for. It is important to feel comfortable with your photographer, and there were zero points in time where I felt uncomfortable. Kyle is a very chill dude that really knows what he is doing.

SO on the day of the shoot, I was nervous. This is super normal and to be expected. We arrived at the location (it was basically a room in a Mill building). I checked my makeup and got myself into outfit #1. Of course it was a lingerie set and I took a deep breath and worked it! I told Kyle that I needed lots of directions, since…ya know…I don’t do this very often. He gives really good direction and truly knows angles and lighting. He is a talent and that is very clear especially when you see the finished product.

Here was my first look:

 (Victoria’s Secret lingerie set with a robe that was a wedding gift I received as a bridesmaid from Macy’s. Thanks JESS!)

I felt a little extra sweaty while taking these because I was so nervous at first. But DANG those nerves slipped right away pretty quickly. Kyle played music which definitely helped so much. Music always gets me going and it was key to have upbeat and fun background music.

I decided to bring that little silky robe last minute. I definitely recommend to bring more rather than less (clothes, props, makeup, jewelry, etc.) because you never know what you can do with them. Photographers are creative people, give them something to work with!

Another item I grabbed as I was walking out the door…this tank top:

Did I mention I love music? How perfect is this shirt. USE ITEMS THAT SHOW YOUR PERSONALITY AND WHO YOU ARE. Because that is what these photos are about – being yourself, letting loose and feeling empowered and badass!Arch your back and you’ll be sore but you’ll have great photos. Kyle will make sure of this.

There is so much that was going through my head during these four hours of shooting. I was given SO MUCH direction that at times I lost where my legs should be or let go of the arch in my back. It is definitely harder than it may look but again, it was so worth it. I will be doing another shoot with Kyle and I couldn’t be more excited about it.

I brought five outfits and it is hard to pick a favorite.With the way Kyle edits the photos and captures lighting, he makes sure that you and your body are the stars of the show. Outfits give a certain vibe and confidence to the model, but ultimately shadows and angles tell the story:

See what I mean? So sexy. So sensual. So cool.

Looking back at the photoshoot – I had fun and I was comfortable. There was no rushing to get things done quickly – we just wanted to make sure the sun didn’t set before we were done. We had a solid four hours of shooting and it flew by!

There were certain times where my body felt funny and I wasn’t sure how I was looking. But because I followed directions and trusted Kyle, I didn’t question anything.

Booty Booty Rockin Everywhere 😛

I highly recommend booking your shoot with Flirt Boudoir ASAP! There is a special that is happening right now and you should totally take advantage! If you book by this Friday (June 23rd), you will get a session that includes a little black accordion book of 3-5 photos which is normally $475. Up until Friday, it is $249!!!! This is a killer deal to work with a seriously amazing photographer. I couldn’t imagine doing this with anyone else.

This will be one of the coolest experiences you will ever have. This will be your chance to feel empowered and will give your confidence a huge boost. It sure did with me! I mean, look at these photos! Now is the time to step outside of your comfort zone and find a part of you that is a little wild. SO FUN! Please feel free to contact me if you have any questions at all. Here is the website to check out Kyle’s stunning work: Flirt Boudoir.

I shall leave you with my favorite picture from our shoot, which is now my prof picture. Totally captures my badass demeanor…hehe!Fierce betch, amirite?

I hope that you will take after me and step outside of yourself a bit and go for it! I’m telling you…it is so worth it! I so have a huge appreciation for Kyle Burnell and Boudoir photography in general. I cannot wait to shoot again!

Flirt Boudoir Photography Website: https://www.flirtboudoir.photography/

Flirt Boudoir Instagram: @flirtboudoir

Body Image

Everyone has their own journey. Everyone has their own issues. I have been on a journey with my biggest issue: body image and being completely happy with myself.

Most people know me as a very confident and happy person. I would say this is true to a certain extent. People do not truly know that deep down, I am struggling every single day…as most women and most people are (at least in one way or another). I am not 100% happy or confident with myself. I’m not sure I ever will be. But I do my best to make myself a better person on the inside and on the outside as much as I can.

It’s easy to talk about exercise and having a really great balance in life with nutrition and all-around wellness. I do talk about it a lot because it really helps me a lot. I have finally gotten to the point in my life where there is definitely more of a balance of having fun while working hard and keeping disciplined. I feel like finding balance in life has a lot to do with growing up and becoming an adult. Womp womp. No one warned me about this!

It’s been extremely hard for me to watch celebrities walk the red carpet or grace the covers of magazines because to me, they are perfection and they always have been. I have so many IDOLS!!! But in reality, I know that they are just people and there is no one person on this planet that is absolute perfection. BUT they are portrayed as being perfect with photoshopping and all of their aesthetically-pleasing Instagrams. Ugh, SO MANY CUTE INSTAS with so many followers!!!

My whole life I have spent obsessing over celebrities. I love them and I am fascinated with them. I want to be one of them…I have always had a dream to become perfect. To become one of these glowy people that is considered IDEAL! Ideal in all sorts of ways: body, money, lifestyle, hot boyfriends, etc. There is so much out there that I do not have that I have always longed for. It’s really difficult when you look in the mirror and you’re like, “Oh my goodness…I am almost 30 and I am nowhere NEAR where I want to be! And goddamnit I need to put the fork down.”

But you know what…fuck that notion. I have come a long way and support myself 100% and should be really proud. And I am proud! It’s honestly time to let go of what others think. A wise woman once told me, “It’s none of my business what other people think about me.” I think this is the best way to go about life. I’ve gotten better at not caring what others think, but again, deep down I am always looking for assurance. It is probably the middle child inside of me. I want to make myself proud, along with everyone else in my life: family and friends.

I am taking steps to get rid of the negative body image that I constantly battle. “Battle” is the best word to describe my inner-ness. I hate that, but it is true. I am always at a battle with myself. “You really need to get a little more fit…well NO you are beautiful goddamnit…eh well don’t get too confident – look at that cellulite….but so many people have cellulite! Just work harder. But I’m tired…it doesn’t matter you need to get your ass in gear….wahhhh!!!” It is constant. A constant battle for sure.

Well, a good start to a better life is getting rid of the goddamn scale in your bathroom. I haven’t weighed myself in years (although I have had to step on the scale at the doctor). The issue with scales is that they are sometimes mean and do not tell you what you want to see. Sometimes this is because the FUN outweighed the DISCIPLINE that week. OR it’s that time of the month so there is water retention. OR MAYBE the discipline outweighed the fun and muscle mass happens to weigh more than fat. Either way, the scale doesn’t give us much information about what is really going on inside of us. Unless you’re a wrestler or you are looking to lose a huge amount of body fat, then you really shouldn’t be a slave to the scale.

If you are interested in tracking progress, track inches lost. Track your BMI. Track things that mean something! Not the number on the scale. I used to weigh-in every week for a long time and it never gave me any kind of success. Never. I never lost enough or I gained a pound. This gave my brain more fuel to talk down to myself, which is not very nice. Self-hate is the absolute worst!!!

When I moved into the apartment that I live in now about 2.5 years ago, I thought, “OH I should get a new bathroom scale!” And then I suddenly felt a little nauseous. I realized that the feeling I felt even when I THOUGHT about stepping on the scale, was a negative feeling. SO I said eff that- I am so not getting a scale! And it has made a difference for sure because I no longer measure my goals or successes by weight – I measure these things by the way I feel in my clothes, the way my skin glows when I drink my smoothies and tons of water, and the way I feel after a really intense workout.

I’m not exactly sure the purpose of this blog post, but I just was thinking about these things. I guess I just hope that it helps people feel like they are not alone in their battles with themselves. Even though I come across as the most confident person, I am not. No matter how skinny I have been in the past, no matter how big my paycheck was that week – none of it matters unless you are truly happy with yourself. And I am getting there – right now is the time where I am figuring myself out, making strides NOT to perfection, but to the place where I am truly at peace. I am so getting there!!! 🙂

I hope that you find your peace and contentment! And remember that when you see someone that looks like they have the most perfect life, they probably don’t. Never go after what someone else has – set your own goals and you do YOU! I’m really giving this advice to myself. It’ll be nice to look back on and be like – OKAY stop it, Cas. You are fine. 😉

P.S. Another step to being OK with myself: I am doing a Boudoir photoshoot in a few days. YES. Me in very little clothing with a photographer snapping away at me and my body. This will be good for me. Stepping out of my comfort zone and allowing an artistic photographer to make me feel amazing for who I am. I think every woman should do this. Talk about empowerment. Wish me luck..!

I’m going to channel two of my favorite models who are all about body positivity: the STUNNING Marquita Pring and Ashley Graham.

My Fitness Journey

Throughout my life I have been into fitness in one way or another. I danced for over ten years starting at the age of 3. I then moved onto playing basketball through High School. From then on, I would take some dance classes when I lived in NYC (hardcore hiphop – loved it – I am really good btw ;)), had a personal trainer at one point, got heavy into running for a while & always dabbled with the gym mostly focusing on cardio. I have tried yoga, Insanity & even barre classes. The list goes on and on! I was always interested in learning more about nutrition and fitness. But I definitely went through too many times where my fitness slipped and fell into major slumps. I never seemed to find something to stick with. I also have always yo-yo dieted, which is super duper unhealthy.  It was kind of all or nothing for me. I remember watching Oprah and relating to her when she said, “UGH I hate working out but I just want to lose weight!!!! Wahhhhh.”

BUT over the years I have learned a LOT. And until only recently I have learned the best thing EVER: lifting/weight training/pumping iron/whatever you like to call it….is the only way of life! And I don’t know why more people and more women in particular do not partake. I am here to tell you why you should start, my friends!!!

I signed up at Planet Fitness at the end of October and have been going regularly since. I recently gained a partner-in-crime (HI LOLLZ). We have been going together for about a month now and let me tell you – doing this with someone else is really helpful! Ever since Lolly started with me, I have seen more results!! We go more frequently and consistently (4x per week for about 1.5 hours…I was going previously 2-3x per week). We lift HEAVY and it is now just a part of our lives. We motivate each other. It is no longer an option to go to the gym – we just go. Like it’s our job. Today Lolly was congested and not feeling totally amazing & for me, it’s that time of the month! We could have easily slept in (it’s our day off) and skipped – but ALAS! We went and demolished it and had an amazing session and feel so much better! It is truly medicinal. Like…fureal.

One of my favorite things ever is seeing women killing it at the gym…and being one of those women. Especially when I glance over and see some dudes casually moving on the elliptical or bike. HEHE. Makes a girl feel like a bad ass bitch! This is where the addiction comes in to play. Once you go a couple times, you get addicted. It feels sooo empowering in every way to lift. And on our days off, we crave to go. I have now added in running a couple times per week as well – so I really only have one solid rest day. Which usually is on a work day which means not really a true rest day. I feel like I have gotten to the point where I NEED to workout because my mood is much better and I have way more energy! Like I don’t really want or need too many rest days. I have made lots of progress physically and continuously increase weight, which is important to maintain progress. It’s seriously insane the difference it has made in my life. This is why I need to share this information!

If you are intimidated or not sure what do to – soooo many resources are available online (youtube, bloggers, etc.) OR you can just ask people at the gym. At planet fitness, there are trainers that you can use for FREE (if you have the Black Card). There are lots of tools out there, ya just gotta find them and use them!

Especially since it is International Women’s Day (HELL YEAH), I encourage all of you ladies to get out there and start pumping iron if you aren’t already. Cardio is wonderful – it is. BUT here are the differences from my experience that make me want to lift things up and put them down rather than run forever and ever:

Running (or whatever cardio you like) is also addicting and is wicked healthy for your cardiovascular health. It is important to incorporate cardio into your workouts (warm-up, warm-down) definitely. When I used to run, I did miles and miles and had a few times where I lost lots of weight. But that was combined with eating MUCH LESS and not feeling totally energized. I actually felt pretty tired. But I liked the results and I do love running outside. This was at the time in my life when I ran a lot and was really trying to lose weight and that was a success…but only for a little while. Once I started eating a little more and running a little less I gained the weight back almost instantaneously. It was demanding on my knees, too.

When I started to mostly lift (incorporating some cardio), a change happened almost immediately. I remember it was my third time at the gym and I felt so super strong. It was my THIRD time there. But I felt it working. I was getting stronger and the addiction began. The amount of energy that I was feeling – so unreal! The best part of this – I ate more. I eat more. It is seriously important to up the protein and calories in general when you are lifting regularly. I feel like a machine and need to eat every two hours or so. My body needs fuel always. After a hardcore gym sesh, your body will continue to burn dem cals for another 24-48 hours. Another reason lifting is way more effective than cardio. My metabolism is through the roof!

Life became easier. Carrying groceries – ummm yeah lemme carry every bag in at one time! Lugging my laundry is much easier (I unfortunately do not have a washer/dryer in my apartment dammit). I dress brides for a living so carrying heavy ass dresses ain’t no thang now! The list goes on and on..!

Naturally after exercising, I really do not want to ruin my hard work by eating processed yuck food. I do not skimp on carbs because my body does need it…I just try to stick to complex carbs like sweet potatoes, whole grain bread & brown rice. Along with lots of fruits and veggies and PROTEIN!!!! But ya know, if I “cheat” once in a while and have some ice cream…whatever! My body is a goddamn machine and it really doesn’t make much of a difference, as long as it’s once in a while. OH and hydrating is so important…that helps with having lots of energy throughout the entire day. Water is your friend. I also love flavored seltzer waters (black cherry in particular yum yum).

So YES! If you lift, you can eat more and lose weight and feel better and everything will be just dandy! Again, I have now recently incorporated running outside 3-4 miles 2x per week as well (mostly because it is getting nicer out and I have serious seasonal depression so that helps a ton). I have even had a week or two off from the gym since I started and there has been zero weight gain and no real setbacks – that would not have happened when I was simply a runner (NOTHING against runners, just comparing and sharing). ‘Cause like, I am still a runner, too.

Anyways, if you have any questions – feel free to reach out to me. I am no doctor but I am here to help inspire, motivate, etc.! I have been on the up and up with this and I really felt compelled to share to my fellow people. And to my fellow women – let’s show men what we are really made of (flexing emoji, dancer emoji)! Wooooo!!!!

TNT

I have an idea. Something so simple. Something that will make you happier. Something that is quite easy to do:

TRY NEW THINGS aka TNT.

Let me start by telling you about the new things that I tried this weekend. Yesterday, my gal pal and I (HEY LOLLY) had a wonderful time. We had new experiences and loved every bit of it. This is how we thought up how important it is to TNT. Here was our day:

To start, we ventured to a new coffee shop located in Downtown Portsmouth. It is called Profile. It is sort of a modern-looking coffee bar that is pretty darn big. We had large non-fat lattes and they were great! It’s also nice to shop local, especially at a fun new place in the area.

Then we were off to try a new spot for lunch (new to us, not the area). I am so sad that I have never experienced this place before: Ceres Bakery. Right in Downtown Portsmouth. SO GOOD! We each had a delicious strata and then shared a perfectly just-sweet-enough raspberry rhubarb tart. I wanted to try EVERYTHING. The list of savory foods and baked yummies is endless. And especially for Portsmouth, it is not bad price-wise! Bonus.

If you are in the area, go there. You’ll see me in front of the counter trying to figure out what the heck to try next.

From there, we ventured to a sweet little Asian market, Lo’s Seafood & Oriental Market. And by sweet I mean super sketchy looking. It is quite the gem, though! So many interested treats, snacks, rice noodles, sauces and great finds! I haven’t been to a market like that since I studied abroad in Australia.

Look at all of these goodies! The Thia Coconut Swirls and the Choco Boy treats were a couple of my favorites. I’m excited to cook with my new sauce and rice noodles. The picture is cut-off but the sauce is a ginger soy sauce…I’m stoked to try with my new rice and/or buckwheat noodles. Woo!

And we also walked around Portsmouth, explored a couple streets that Lolly and I haven’t had the chance (or reason) to travel upon. We were feeling inspired by the brilliant Sunday that it was and felt that our day was just getting better. We stumbled upon some stores and even this cool truck. So many things!

All-in-all, it was everything a Sunday should be. Like I said, we were feeling super inspired and our new experiences helped us open our minds and want to explore more.

This is something we should all do! There are so many places that are nearby that should be found and admired (no matter where you live). It’s nice to give business to places that aren’t necessarily corporations. Mom and pop shops have wonderful character and are great places for the community. Taking a walk in a different direction is a perfect start. Simple, I know.

Trying new things is really enjoyable because you never know what to expect. New adventures, whether small or big, are so worth it! They will naturally open up your mind which will get you talking about different things. Your newest endeavors will help you think differently, too. Doing these things will certainly help you become more enchanting because damnit you’ll have tons of different experiences oozing out of your ears. The stories and epiphanies that may occur are so valuable! The more you learn, the more you know which means that you’ll have more knowledge to share with others. This includes bravely exploring a new culture like Lolly and I did (at the asian market) and finding some sweet gems and new favorite treats.

I hope this inspires you to try something new the next time you have a free day or even a free hour.

Time to explore . . . x o !

Choices

What should I study? Where should I shop for my clothes? Where should I apply to work? What should I eat for dinner? Should I workout today? WHAT SHOULD I DO?

Oh my goodness. This life is filled with all sorts of tough choices. From little ones to big, it seems as though one can never escape from making decisions. I suppose that is called being an adult. But – I found this Ted Talk that puts a different perspective on making choices.

This is what I took from it:

I am a very independent, single 25 year old woman who lives by herself. So, I have lots of room to make a super duper amount of choices on the daily, as most people do. Unless, of course, you happen to be a child.

I choose to feed my cat…therefore I have a living cat…therefore I am a cat lady. NOT REALLY, but…yeah kind of. I also live in Portsmouth, NH which is not where I grew up. I chose to move here after my best friend (HEY JESS) moved here to pursue a man (HEY JAY). And I recently chose to start eating oatmeal again (HEY HOT BOD, I’M COMIN’ FOR YA).

Are you pickin’ up what I’m puttin’ down?

I have lived many places throughout my life. I have had many friends throughout my life. I have studied at a bunch of different schools. Although I would probably consider myself a wanderlust, I have been faced with tons of really hard decisions that I have had to make. Every single decision has gotten me to the place that I am now. The amount of options in life is totally incredible. Hell, I could be in Arkansas working as a lawyer if I really wanted to be. But, nahhhhhhh.

What I’m saying is this: Do not think of choices as a bad thing. Choices are blessings in disguise! Each and every choice that you decide upon make you stronger and allow you to become who you are. The possibilities of who we can become are infinite. And ya know what…to me, that is so super exciting (like oh mah gawd)!

If you are a father and would rather go to a bar after work instead of going to your son’s soccer game, then that is the kind of father you are choosing to be. If you decide that you will not show up to class because you don’t care about your grades, then that is the type of student you are choosing to be. If you decide to go to the gym every morning before heading to work, then that is the type of physically fit kind of person you are choosing to be. If you are not in a position in your life where you are happy, you need to know that you have made every choice leading up to that point to get you there. Instead of dwelling on your unhappiness, change it! Make a bold choice and change your life. Move somewhere warm. Listen to happy music. Spend your time doing something that gives you energy and ambition. And most importantly, choose to be happy. Yeah that’s right, your happiness is in YOUR hands. Crazy, huh?

Gosh. Let’s just be awesome people…’cause we can be! Hopefully this helps when it is time to make that decision. Go with your gut instinct and you do you!

This is just a little food for thought. Below is the video that I was inspired by.

xo