Everyone has their own journey. Everyone has their own issues. I have been on a journey with my biggest issue: body image and being completely happy with myself.
Most people know me as a very confident and happy person. I would say this is true to a certain extent. People do not truly know that deep down, I am struggling every single day…as most women and most people are (at least in one way or another). I am not 100% happy or confident with myself. I’m not sure I ever will be. But I do my best to make myself a better person on the inside and on the outside as much as I can.
It’s easy to talk about exercise and having a really great balance in life with nutrition and all-around wellness. I do talk about it a lot because it really helps me a lot. I have finally gotten to the point in my life where there is definitely more of a balance of having fun while working hard and keeping disciplined. I feel like finding balance in life has a lot to do with growing up and becoming an adult. Womp womp. No one warned me about this!
It’s been extremely hard for me to watch celebrities walk the red carpet or grace the covers of magazines because to me, they are perfection and they always have been. I have so many IDOLS!!! But in reality, I know that they are just people and there is no one person on this planet that is absolute perfection. BUT they are portrayed as being perfect with photoshopping and all of their aesthetically-pleasing Instagrams. Ugh, SO MANY CUTE INSTAS with so many followers!!!
My whole life I have spent obsessing over celebrities. I love them and I am fascinated with them. I want to be one of them…I have always had a dream to become perfect. To become one of these glowy people that is considered IDEAL! Ideal in all sorts of ways: body, money, lifestyle, hot boyfriends, etc. There is so much out there that I do not have that I have always longed for. It’s really difficult when you look in the mirror and you’re like, “Oh my goodness…I am almost 30 and I am nowhere NEAR where I want to be! And goddamnit I need to put the fork down.”
But you know what…fuck that notion. I have come a long way and support myself 100% and should be really proud. And I am proud! It’s honestly time to let go of what others think. A wise woman once told me, “It’s none of my business what other people think about me.” I think this is the best way to go about life. I’ve gotten better at not caring what others think, but again, deep down I am always looking for assurance. It is probably the middle child inside of me. I want to make myself proud, along with everyone else in my life: family and friends.
I am taking steps to get rid of the negative body image that I constantly battle. “Battle” is the best word to describe my inner-ness. I hate that, but it is true. I am always at a battle with myself. “You really need to get a little more fit…well NO you are beautiful goddamnit…eh well don’t get too confident – look at that cellulite….but so many people have cellulite! Just work harder. But I’m tired…it doesn’t matter you need to get your ass in gear….wahhhh!!!” It is constant. A constant battle for sure.
Well, a good start to a better life is getting rid of the goddamn scale in your bathroom. I haven’t weighed myself in years (although I have had to step on the scale at the doctor). The issue with scales is that they are sometimes mean and do not tell you what you want to see. Sometimes this is because the FUN outweighed the DISCIPLINE that week. OR it’s that time of the month so there is water retention. OR MAYBE the discipline outweighed the fun and muscle mass happens to weigh more than fat. Either way, the scale doesn’t give us much information about what is really going on inside of us. Unless you’re a wrestler or you are looking to lose a huge amount of body fat, then you really shouldn’t be a slave to the scale.
If you are interested in tracking progress, track inches lost. Track your BMI. Track things that mean something! Not the number on the scale. I used to weigh-in every week for a long time and it never gave me any kind of success. Never. I never lost enough or I gained a pound. This gave my brain more fuel to talk down to myself, which is not very nice. Self-hate is the absolute worst!!!
When I moved into the apartment that I live in now about 2.5 years ago, I thought, “OH I should get a new bathroom scale!” And then I suddenly felt a little nauseous. I realized that the feeling I felt even when I THOUGHT about stepping on the scale, was a negative feeling. SO I said eff that- I am so not getting a scale! And it has made a difference for sure because I no longer measure my goals or successes by weight – I measure these things by the way I feel in my clothes, the way my skin glows when I drink my smoothies and tons of water, and the way I feel after a really intense workout.
I’m not exactly sure the purpose of this blog post, but I just was thinking about these things. I guess I just hope that it helps people feel like they are not alone in their battles with themselves. Even though I come across as the most confident person, I am not. No matter how skinny I have been in the past, no matter how big my paycheck was that week – none of it matters unless you are truly happy with yourself. And I am getting there – right now is the time where I am figuring myself out, making strides NOT to perfection, but to the place where I am truly at peace. I am so getting there!!! 🙂
I hope that you find your peace and contentment! And remember that when you see someone that looks like they have the most perfect life, they probably don’t. Never go after what someone else has – set your own goals and you do YOU! I’m really giving this advice to myself. It’ll be nice to look back on and be like – OKAY stop it, Cas. You are fine. 😉
P.S. Another step to being OK with myself: I am doing a Boudoir photoshoot in a few days. YES. Me in very little clothing with a photographer snapping away at me and my body. This will be good for me. Stepping out of my comfort zone and allowing an artistic photographer to make me feel amazing for who I am. I think every woman should do this. Talk about empowerment. Wish me luck..!
I’m going to channel two of my favorite models who are all about body positivity: the STUNNING Marquita Pring and Ashley Graham.